Baby Bullies
What to do when your child is the victim—or the bully.
by Lisa Feder-Feitel
It happens so fast, you almost miss it. One moment your 2-year-old is playing nicely with his best pal, Zoe. The next, he's given Zoe a not-so-gentle shove and snatched her toy, and now she's wailing. What's going on? Why is your sweet child acting so badly? Is he on his way to becoming a bully?
Well, not exactly. Few experts would rush to pin that label on an aggressive preschooler. Young children, after all, act mostly on impulse, grabbing, hitting, or shoving to express with their bodies what they can't convey in words. But no matter what you call them—baby bullies or little kids who don't know any better—youngsters do have the capacity to be mean to one another. The latest research suggests that not only are preschoolers a feisty lot, but they display these tendencies almost from birth. "Children don't need to learn to be aggressive," says Richard E. Tremblay, Ph.D., director of the research unit on children's psychosocial maladjustment at the University of Montreal. "They need to learn not to be."
While aggressive behavior is typically associated with older kids, the new research suggests it may actually peak in the second year of life. As part of a nationwide study in Canada, Dr. Tremblay and other researchers followed some 16,000 children aged 24 months to 11 years and concluded that the number of aggressive acts children carry out peaks at the tender and "terrible" age of 2. In other words, the school yard bully, according to this study, is already years past his prime.
Dr. Tremblay's study produced another eyebrow raiser: As toddlers, girls and boys—at least those with siblings—are equally likely to hit, bite, and kick. From age 4 onward, however, girls move more quickly toward indirect aggression ("I'm not inviting Janie to my birthday party"), while boys continue to push and shove. Some experts see a disturbing increase in aggression overall. With the first anniversary of the school shootings in Littleton, Colorado, approaching, many believe it's important to start providing anger-management instruction before children enter elementary school. "Young children aren't getting what they need to help them safely handle anger and aggression—and the (preschool years) are a crucial time for those life lessons," says Carla Garrity, Ph.D., a child psychologist in Denver and the author of Bully-Proofing Your Child: A Parent's Guide (Sopris West).
Early exposure to violence on TV may be a contributing factor. Young kids are often introduced to violence through superheroes, says Barbara Sprung, who, with Merle Froschl, heads Educational Equity Concepts (EEC), a nonprofit developer of educational materials in New York City. Together with Nancy Mullin-Rindler of the Center for Research on Women at Wellesley College in Massachusetts, they are coauthors of Quit It! (EEC), a teachers' guide for preventing teasing and bullying. "Kids get the message that these heroes—and their ways of problem solving—are OK," says Sprung.
By the time boys and girls are in kindergarten, bullying and teasing are a part of their daily school life. According to a 1997 study by the EEC and Wellesley, boys initiate the most teasing, though both boys and girls are targets. The biggest complaint from young victims, other than the bullying itself, was that adults failed to notice and intervene. With no adult telling them to stop, aggressive children hone their skills until bullying becomes part of their personality.
But there's also good news about baby bullies. Child-development experts say children between the ages of 2 and 5 are more equipped to learn peaceful problem-solving skills because their brains are especially responsive to change. "These years provide a window of opportunity for building social skills in children," says Craig Ferris, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in Worcester. "So why wait?"
4 Steps to Healing When Your Child Is Bullied
When you see your child bullied—even in play—the calmest parent can turn into a tiger. How do you keep your cool and be effective in approaching the parent of the aggressor?
1. Talk to the bullier first. Calmly ask that he stop the behavior. Say something like "Hitting is not OK. You need to stop that now."
2. Don't blame the other parent. Whether she is unaware, embarrassed, or defensive, she didn't carry out the aggressive act, her child did. Pointing fingers and yelling doesn't serve either child and can worsen the situation by creating a conflict between you and the other parent.
3. Separate the behavior from the bully. Don't demonize the aggressive child. Calling him a monster or a bully—especially in front of your child—is hurtful and may make your child more fearful of him.
4. Call the parent later. Never attempt to discuss a bullying incident in the heat of the moment or in front of the kids. When you do call, remain calm and nonjudgmental. Say, "I'd like to figure out some ways that would help our kids play better together."
Bully-Proofing Your Child at Home
Seeing your child become the object of a bully's taunting can make you feel helpless. But thanks to the new research, we know much more about bullying and how to prevent it than ever before. Some strategies:
Start talking at home. Listen to your child's feelings of anger, sadness, or fear and find ways to help him put them into words. Encourage him to respond by saying something like "You made me mad when you grabbed the book" instead of whining. Praise him when he succeeds.
Be a facilitator. If another child grabs your child's toy, include your youngster in the ensuing discussion. When you see such situations developing, it's tempting to try to swoop down and solve the problem, but then your child will never learn how to handle these situations himself. If you must do the talking, hold your child's hand while you do so. Speak calmly and use simple sentences: "This is Joey's ball. Grabbing is not OK." Let your child watch you retrieve the toy without shoving. And remember that children usually want conflicts resolved quickly so they can resume play.
Talk about it afterward. If your child comes home and reports, "Nicky knocked over my blocks today, and my teacher didn't even notice," a follow-up conversation will help. Ask her, "How did that make you feel?" advises Myrna Shure, Ph.D., the author of Raising a Thinking Child (Pocket Books). Echo your child's feelings ("I can see it upsets you when somebody knocks down your blocks") and don't criticize. Ask, "What could you do next time?" Role-play a few of her ideas with her, and give her a safe way to test her solutions. For example, she might practice looking into your eyes and saying, "I don't like that." Kids are more likely to carry out their own ideas than those suggested by their parents, says Dr. Shure. "Practicing them with you boosts their confidence."
4 Ways to Recover When Your Child Is the Bully
How do you apologize to another child and his parents when you are feeling embarrassed about your child's bullying?
1. Be direct and show concern. Say to the other parent: "I'm sorry this happened. I know this is a problem for Andy, and we're working on it."
2. Put your child's actions in perspective. Often, a young child's aggression is impulsive and unintentional. Help the other parent—as well as your child—to understand what motivated the incident.
3. Apologize alone or together. It's not critical that your child actually states the apology as long as he or she hears you say it. If possible, take your child in hand and show kindness as you say to the child who was hurt, "You must have felt bad when this happened. I'm sorry."
4. Move on. Most young children want to reconnect and return to play as soon as a conflict is resolved. Ask the child's parent: "Do you think Jamie and Alex might want to try to play nicely again? If it's all right with you, let's give them another chance to be friends."
No Bullies at Your House
It's embarrassing when your child is the aggressor, but here are some ways to respond that will help him learn from the experience as well as change his ways.
Express your disapproval. Send your child the message that you don't condone hitting. Use easy-to-understand sentences that address the behavior, not the child ("Hitting is not OK. You need to use words, not your hands").
Take your child aside. Say your 3-year-old and his pal are romping in the playground and begin to wrestle playfully. Soon your child has a scratch on his face, and he, in turn, bites his pal's arm. The boys are in tears. Take your little wrestler to a quiet spot and say: "I can see you're both sad. It's not OK to hit or to hurt. We'll have to leave if you can't stop. What would you like to do?" If your child wants to return to playing, together approach the other child and say, "We're sorry this happened. Would you like to play again?"
Don't force sharing. Imagine, for instance, that your 4-year-old daughter, Julie, just celebrated her birthday and has new toys. Her friend Lucy is coming over and Julie doesn't want her to touch them, much less play with them. In this case, says Nancy Mullin-Rindler, every child has a right to keep certain things for herself. Say, "Let's put away the toys you don't want Lucy to touch. If she sees them and can't play with them, it might hurt her feelings."
Praise your child for his accomplishments. It's a big achievement when your child is able to put strong feelings into words ("I really wanted to play with that truck!"), and it deserves your recognition. When he finds a way to solve a problem using words, tell him, "That was good thinking." Taking time to comment on your child's improvement is important because each confrontation is a chance for growth. "Kids learn from real-life conflicts," says Kenneth Dodge, Ph.D., director of the Shure Center for Child and Family Policy at Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, "and each one, as hard as it may be, is a wonderful opportunity to teach your child different ways of solving problems."
Lisa Feder-Feitel is a freelance writer specializing in education topics.
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