Perhaps the only thing worse than seeing another child hit your toddler on the playground is seeing your toddler hit another child. Intellectually, parents know that children won't always get along. Emotionally, however, it can be traumatic for parents to witness their children fighting sometimes violently with their peers. "Typical behaviors parents see in toddlers are pushing, hitting and difficulty sharing toys," says Kate Cohen-Posey, author of How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies. "Children at this age are very territorial. Further, their natural, inborn aggressive impulses have not yet been socialized, so when they are angry they strike out."
Dr. Gery Legagnoux, a child and adolescent psychologist on the faculty at UCLA, notes that "bullying is not an issue for toddlers. The toddler years are full of exploration and testing. The toddler is especially egocentric and therefore is not intentionally subjugating others for self-gratification or gain." He adds, however, that often, toddler behavior "is reminiscent of bullying behavior." | cause for alarm. If time-outs and loss of privileges have no effect on the child's behavior, parents should seek professional help. |
Cohen-Posey cautions, however, that even if the toddler is not actually a bully, parents must respond. "Toddlers are in the stage of discovering their autonomy. If they do not experience clear boundaries and limit setting [by their parents], their natural toddler tendencies to strike out will develop into true bullying."
As children grow and develop, they constantly test the limits imposed upon them. Infants quickly learn that crying brings comfort -in the form of nourishment, cuddling and clean diapers. When parents stop responding to baby's every cry, children learn to communicate their desires in other ways. A toddler who is being denied something may choose bullying as a way of obtaining what he wants, according to Dr. Mike Thomson, author of Who's Raising Whom? Strategies for Saving Your Sanity. "If the toddler finds out that the chosen behavior of bullying works, he will continue to use it as long as it gets him what he wants -usually control over another person."
To stop toddlers from practicing bullying behavior, parents should "teach bullies to develop better ways of handling conflicts," according to Jody Johnston Pawel, a licensed social worker and second-generation parent educator, and the author of The Parent's Toolshop: The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family. "Bullies are often stuck in a negative role. When bullies are scolded, labeled and punished, it proves to them that they really are mean people and deserve to suffer. Discouraged and angry, they get revenge on their favorite victim for getting them in trouble. Nonviolent alternatives give them a way out."
Pawel recommends parents "encourage children to show they're sorry by taking responsibility for any harm they caused. They can get ice, look at the wound, say they're sorry, or do nothing-and live with whatever self-imposed guilt they might have." She advises against forcing children to apologize. "'Sorry' is a word people can say insincerely to erase their responsibility and guilt."
Thomson adds, "Punishment is not usually effective. It is more concerned with stopping a behavior than looking at other choices." Instead, parents should intervene as soon as they become aware of the problematic behavior. Thomson suggests parents tell their children, "'It is not okay to push, hit, bite, kick, spit, threaten,' and follow up with something like 'I know that you are upset or frustrated right now, but the choices you are making are not okay.'" He stresses the importance of connecting the child's behavior with the problem.
"My preferred response to handling 'abusive' toddler behavior is to restrain the child," says Cohen-Posey. "Parents can simply hold their child's hands and say, 'In this house, no one hits.'" If the child does not try to hit again when her hands are released, "she has essentially taken external controls and internalized them for the moment." The process is a slow one, Cohen-Posey warns. "With my daughter," she relates, "we went through a good six months of this procedure before she stopped hitting."
If talking about their behavior seems to have no effect on toddlers, parents need to take the next step. "The child needs to understand that his poor choice is directly related to the consequence of losing something" a toy or playtime with friends "that should be 'earned' by making good choices," advises Thomson.
Usually, unwanted behavior in toddlers is simply a natural part of their social development and should not be cause for alarm. In rare cases -primarily with adopted children who may have suffered neglect early in life, but occasionally in children of divorced parents when the child abruptly loses all contact with one parent -the child may lose the ability to calm himself. "When children do not bond with a caregiver they cannot soothe or govern themselves and act out rage from early unmet needs by trying to rule everyone and everything around them," Cohen-Posey explains.
Children will usually cry when their privileges are revoked. Parents should realize that this is part of the learning process. The crying or sulking is a good sign -it indicates that the parent has reached the child and the child is able to understand the consequences of her own actions. If time-outs and loss of privileges have no effect on the child's behavior, parents should seek professional help.
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